Intern Job Description
At 9:12 most mornings, I’m walking home from preschool drop off with the world as my oyster. Anything is possible and the day is young. It occurred to me recently that if NYC Housewife Sonja Morgan could have an intern, than heck yeah… so could I. The following is a rough draft of what my intern job description might entail in no particular order.
1. Cookie dough scooping.
Every day around 4, I get the hankering for a little pick me up. Turns out, cookie dough is my pick me up of choice, so my intern would be responsible for prescooping my tub of cookie dough into easier to reach servings.
2. Sock collecting.
Our house as socks scattered around like confetti. Daily collection and scavenging of said socks is required.
3. Flossing my kids teeth.
This is apparently meant to be a daily, and not a yearly, occurrence. Intern, enter stage right.
5. Plant Watering.
Let’s be honest… I don’t bathe on a regular basis, so obviously my plants aren’t getting watered.
6. Millennial intel.
Confession. I can’t keep up with all things millennial. Is “Yasss” still a thing? Can I “live my best life” or is that passé? I need a daily briefing… so I can be “woke” about all this. Or lit. Or turnt. Or all of the above.
7. Lunch preparation and smoothie blending.
I mean for me. Not my kids. I like a good lunch, and sandwich crusts from my kids doesn’t do the trick. My expectation will be for something with either quinoa or acai (pronounced a-sigh-ee) or matcha. (I’m not exactly clear on that last one… but I’m pretty sure it’s something I should be eating and/ or drinking.)
8. Reality star social media monitor.
Look, the social media algorithm is a challenge. I don’t always see who I want on social media. Sure, I see plenty of Bethenny Frankel singing or Heidi Pratt wishing everyone a blessed day, but did you know that Bachelorette OG Trista Sutter STILL speaks in baby talk?! Or that Vanderpump Rules Kristen Doute must have had lip injections (allegedly)? I need someone to keep me abreast of reality star comings and goings.
9. Early reader listening.
Ever had a child JUST learning to read, pull out a book at 7:15 at night to sloooooowly read to you? Don’t get me wrong, SO proud and SO happy for the cat on a mat with a big red rat… but I’ll catch up on my Instagram stories while you finish this story off for me, intern.
10. Car seat strapping.
The over/ under on how long it takes my kids to figure out their five point harness each day is about 6 minutes. I need someone to crawl into the third row and speed up these children.
11. Shower stunt double.
It’s not that I like being unbathed, the time required just gets away from me. A showering doppleganger would be super helpful.
12. Kids shoe deodorizing.
I can smell my sons’ shoes 5 rooms away. There’s got to be a solution. All you, intern.
13. Fish feeding.
We’ve RIPed lots of fish. We can do better. Or rather, YOU can do better.
14. Device charging and battery replacing.
Instagram stories sucks my battery like no-body’s business. I’m also not great at remembering to charge my non-Beats wireless headphones. Lastly, kids toys… they take around a thousand batteries a month.
15. Lollypop stick collecting.
It seems to me that 90% of the establishments we frequent give out free lollypops. Wanna know where all those sticky sticks end up? No idea, but NOT in the trash! Intern, find them.
16. GIF archiving.
I’ve been getting more and more absurd emails from brands. Asking me to share on social media in exchange for underwear (true story). Requesting a post about their product with zero compensation available. I’m sick of it, and I’d like to respond with an appropriate GIF.
17. Homegoods returning.
Every time I have to photograph a room, I inevitably load up my cart at Homegoods and vow to return everything once the shoot is finished. To date, I have returned none of the things. See where I’m going with this budget?
18. Kid french braiding.
It made me nuts as a child, and makes me red-hot-ragey now that I’m an adult. When my girls ask me to french braid their hair, my teeth clench and I can feel the frustration just percolating. Yay, this is now your job!
19. Instagram filter designing.
On the 6 days out of 7 when I have a thing in my teeth or a big ol’ honking pimple on my cheek, I’d love to swipe right and get a bright and clean version of my face. I’m sure it’s just a quick snippet of code for you to whip up.
20. Misc items to include, but not limited to:
Changing the bobbin on my sewing machine, playing Go Fish/ Tic Tac Toe, cleaning out Cheerios from my purse and pointing out trucks and cars for Arthur.
Anyone interested in applying can submit a resume along with an Anthropologie gift card. Please let me know of any relevant job experience, which is your favorite Real Housewife and if you know who Kelly Kapowski is. No compensation is available at the moment, but I’ll certainly try to mention you on one of my social media channels if this works out.