About Our Son’s ADHD
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How We’re Managing our Son’s Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
From time to time I share things about our family here. Particularly things that I feel could be helpful or educational. Today I wanted to talk a little bit about our 9 year-old. I asked his permission before writing this and ran it by my ultimate radar: how will he feel about it when he’s 17. And every way I looked at it, I wanted to share our story. I will ask for your respect, however, and remind you that if you have a different opinion, it might make sense for you to move on from this post and come back for my next post which will be far less personal.
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Oliver has ADHD. It’s taken 9 years to come to that conclusion and those 4 letters don’t really change anything, but they do give us a different lens through which to see certain behaviors and tendencies. ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Quite simply, his brain is slightly different than others which means he struggles with impulsivity, anxiety, perseveration, and mood swings. He’s been this way… forever. We’ve just recently put a name on it.
In preschool, I remember talking to teachers about his volatility and easy frustration. For all his joy and exuberance, he also had anger and was inordinately needy for attention and validation. In kindergarten and first grade, it was clear the teachers were spending a great deal of their time managing his overzealous energy and inability to stay on task. Thankfully academics come easily for now so test scores and performance has never been an issue. The downside to this, however, is that he was never a candidate for ‘testing’ because his academics weren’t suffering. Yet.
Things took a turn in second grade. Gone were the more ‘fun’ days of school and they were replaced with rigors and a schedule appropriate for 8-year-olds. With less time for ‘free play’ and games, he was more disruptive than ever. We were getting weekly calls from school. Thankfully the tone was always supportive and empathic, but we could tell they were just as frustrated by the cycle of behavior as we were. It felt like we were trying everything (tough love, positive reinforcement, behavior charts, special accommodations…) but only seeing minor temporary results. And then we started noticing fears and anxiety. Every night he’d come down complaining of a stomach ache. He was hesitant to try anything new. He worried incessantly about getting sick and throwing up. All the while, he would take things out on the rest of us: back talk and anger and overreacting to anything that irked him.
We started taking him to a psychologist a couple times a month. At the best, we were hopeful that he might learn some cognitive behavioral ways to ‘cope’ with his actions and to reduce his worries. At the least we figured he’d get familiar with counseling and gain another adult confidante. His psychologist encouraged us to get official testing just to rule out any other reasons for his behavior (processing disorder, etc.) The school was supportive, but ultimately unable to sign off on testing because he was performing in all areas well above grade level. One thing our psychologist DID do with us, was administer a test for ADHD. A school psychologist would give a battery of cognitive tests to Oliver, but Mark and I answered a parental set of questions and our responses were unanimous… Oliver had many, many, MANY characteristics of an ADHD child.
At some point over the summer, I was talking to my mother about the roller coaster that was required to manage the storm of feelings and lack of emotional regulation that Oliver was coming home with on a daily basis. Everything was a debate or an argument or a negotiation. He was incapable of keeping thoughts and reactions to himself. Younger siblings were the target of any and all irritation. They were always “wrong” or “dumb” and I was beginning to see how his actions were hijacking our family. My mother suggested we ask his psychologist about medicine if only to take the strain off of the rest of the family.
The words hadn’t left my mouth before Oliver’s doctor nodded in agreement. He felt that medicine might reduce Oliver’s impulsivity which was really the root of most of our problems. He was also concerned that Oliver was beginning to fall into the ‘class clown’ role as a way to keep himself engaged and stimulated during class… a behavior that can easily become habit and will NOT benefit him down the road. Obviously we had LOTS of questions about his medication: is it habit forming, are their side affects, how does it work. We have a family history of manic depression and addiction. I was worried that it might somehow mask symptoms of bipolar disorder if they start to develop in Oliver as a young adult and that this might somehow predispose him toward substance abuse. (The answer to both of these questions was no.)
I’m not going to mention the medication we landed on as what we’re trying might not be the right solution for you. We had to find one that was covered by insurance and landed on a generic medicine in pill form. (Both the chewable and the liquid versions weren’t covered by our insurance.) Oliver does GREAT with the pill… it’s fairly small and he takes it with a spoon-full of applesauce or yogurt. We started him on 1/2 dose to avoid any side effects either real or imagined. (Side effects are rare but are usually things like headache, difficulty falling asleep and decreased appetite…. we experienced none of these.) I notice the medicine kicks in a couple of hours after he takes it. He seems… less buzzy. He’s able to settle himself. He’s able to contain his feelings (i.e. he’s not explosive). He’s not arguing with us or bothering us or obsessing over things. I also notice that by the time he gets off the bus each day… it’s worn off. We asked the pediatrician about something that might get us through each evening without turmoil, and he prescribed a lower dosage “quick release” pill that, until distance learning, his school nurse would administer. Both his teacher and Mark and I agree that this second pill helps keep him on task and ‘gentler’ for the rest of the day.
One thing I can say for certain is that Oliver is MUCH happier when he takes his medicine (we echoed our pediatrician and called it a focus vitamin at first, but now we just say medicine… it’s easier). He doesn’t like getting in trouble or arguing with everyone… he’s a sensitive little boy and even though he’s walking head first into negative attention most of the time, this weighs on him and he gets discouraged. He is SO proud of himself and his teacher is working with him tirelessly to provide enrichment activities, to keep him in check and to praise him. She also allows him the pleasure of sharing roller blades for show and tell in the classroom and will gently keep him on track with humor and repetition.
Finally, one of my reasons for sharing this with you is to help lift the stigma and secrecy that comes with ADHD (and mental health overall for that matter). I hope that Oliver feels the same way about his ADHD as someone with a peanut allergy might feel. We talk about it. We name it. This is not taboo. This is nothing to be embarrassed by or insecure about. Has the medicine made everything better? Nope. He can still be a pain in the neck. We’re still learning strategies and ways to help him organize his brain and keep track of his belongings. I like to think the medicine slows that brain of his down just a fraction of a second so it’s not operating on impulse and is rather operating a little more of his own accord.
I’m sure there are other ways to address ADHD, but this is the path we’ve chosen to take. I’m inclined to agree that the ADHD brain fires a little differently than the non-ADHD brain. We medicate high blood pressure or tendonitis or acid reflux… or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. We check in with his pediatrician to see how things are going with the medication. By high school, the “Hyperactivity” of ADHD should fade, but the Attention Deficit (distractibility) may remain. At that point, Oliver can be a better judge of his own care and decide whether or not he benefits from medication. But for now, our family needed a break from the weight that can be Oliver’s ADHD. There are 4 other children who are directly affected by the example he sets, the tempers that flare and the behavior he exhibits. Our decision was a family one and my hope is that our experience might be useful for you to read about.
I am so happy that you have found something that works for oliver and your family! I truly appreciate your honesty. We started to travel down this road with sawyer when he was in 4th grade, 9 as well. We decided to hold off and reassess in th grade… for us it turned out to be a good thing that we waited, because as it turned out a new teacher made a world of a difference and he had just been placed in a class with a teacher who wasn’t right at all for him. He had also always been on the younger end, small, and a little immature for his grade, so that all played into effect. He has never been a perfect student, and we have continued to struggle here and there, but i cannot tell you how proud I am to say he is finishing his first year of high school with all As and in honors classes. I know how hard it has been for us to get to this point, so it feels so big. Anyhow, i am totally sidetracking, but just wanted to say i really appreciate this and i know others will, too.
Thanks Cassie! We did exactly the same thing and there’s no question that different teachers can make a huge difference, but it’s a lot of work for anyone, regardless. I was so appreciative to have the insight from my mother that medication served a purpose beyond the academic, because that’s always how I’d viewed it: “if he needs help in school, we’d consider”. We still struggle with the defiance and the impulsivity, but we can tell how proud he is to be engaged and, ironically, he’s our most sensitive so it’s always been such a paradox the way he lashes out given how naturally empathic he can be. Parenting, man… it’s marathon. 🙂 So happy your kiddo is doing so well!! xx
Bravo! May you and that beautifuL family of yours continue to EFFECTIVELY figure out wHat works for all INVOLVED along the way.
Now build up that youngsters self-eSteem.
❤️
THanks, Pam!
Thank you so much for sharing this !
Its hard to imagine any pain behind the sweet smile of that haNdsome boy.
Kudos to you for putting so much thought and care into a solution. And fOr WRITING it So wonderfully !!
I wish my bROther had done the same with his son who is now a troubled, very DIFFICULT 19 yr old. My brother, who ironically, grew up embarrassed and insecure about his own peanut allergy.
Good luck, and thank yOu,
Xo
xoxo There’s so much taboo in this world and I’m so hoping my kids don’t walk around with that weight of shame… for anything they have going on. I definitely think we know more about all of this now than we did, but it definitely took that insight from my mom to see how his behavior was more than his school performance. Mwah.
Now if it was just as simple To solve this wacky all Caps thing !! Look what it did to my comment lol – i promise i’m not drunk !
Haha! It’s part of my website theme… I leave a little disclaimer but no one sees it. One day I’ll get around to changing it…
thank you for sharing such a personal aspect of you all’s lives with us. I too am dealing with this. Having gone through much of the same behavior with a 9 yr old, i am seeing the HD of the adhd with my six yr old as well. And Truly Only realized how major ‘it’ was when the HOMESCHOOLING started. We have also just started MEDS. Time will tell. Thanks so much again!
Yes! As we were told, the medicine nowadays is much more nuanced and targeted so we felt better about trying it ‘as a last resort’ and we truly notice it has made a nice difference. What sold us was hearing our son give his feedback and it was clear that he agreed with us! Hard to articulate for a 3rd grader, but he could recognize that he was involved in less conflict when he’d taken his medicine. xx
I love yhay you equate this to a peanut allergy and all sorts of normal other things! I have a daughter who wrestles with mental illness and “never in a million years” did we think that would happen in OUR family. So many sleepleSs nights of prayer , medication (until She chose not to), two solid years of weekly therapy and she is a very changed young woman. her journey to healthy thinking and healing is filled with gold. She just turned 18, a day she never thought she would even be alive To see, But now with a strong desire for liFe and all it has to offer. We are better people for having to adjust our parenting paradigm throughout her TUMULTUOUS teen years and could not be more proud if her! TEll Oliver thank you for allowing his story to he told, he is a notmal human being doing extraordinary things!
This brought tears to my eyes. The struggle of mental illness is such a challenge on myriad levels: the medical, the social/ emotional, logistical… Congratulations to your family for shepherding her through this and cheering her on. There’s no road map, but I have always felt such comfort in reading other people’s experiences so thank you for sharing. xoxo
I love this Charlotte. I think it’s important to do what’s right for you and your family
Thank you, friend! xoxo
Thank you for sharing this sTory. I am constantly AMAZED HOW you Manage your house with the numbers and the personalities. Good for you all that you approached this with suc clarity and love.
Thanks, Bridget! I appreciate this kind compliment! xx
Thank you for sharing your family’s story, it was really helpful to hear.
Thank you so much! xx
Thanks for sharinG Olivers story! And so glad to hear that he agrees it feels better to have help with meds. I don’t have Any kids yet but talking about mental health is just as important as fixing broken bones or sprained ankles!
Yes! I love this and couldn’t agree more! xx
I could have written this post myself a couple of decades ago. My son’s kindergarten teacher called me at work to tell me son had adhd and I rebuffed her by saying that it’s the dx that everyone gives when a kid has a bit more energy than most. I’m a nurse and it’s true what they say about the cobbler’s kids not having shoes. We embarked on a journey of contracts where he would be rated for being a quiet neighbor, staying in his seat, completing his work… a week of positive contracts would get him a trip to toys r us. Occasionally we would be blessed with a teacher who appreciated his comic timing, one teacher would give him time at the end of class to entertain (if he were quiet during the class) By middle school with changing classes and rotating schedules, his lack of organizational skills and focus became a major problem. He needed help and after a few different pills we found one that helped and did not have unwanted side effects. We still wanted him to be him – we love his sense of humor and creativity. We also found that sports were a great outlet and it turns out he could run a 5k in an impressive time. That running ability and a very high SAT score got him accepted into a top 20 liberal arts college. I backed off being his personal secretary and let him worry about turning in assignments on time – and he did it! He even managed to graduate in 3.5 years and left for Chicago to do imrov comedy. He has a day job to pay his bills and a podcast that he records with friends at night and a girlfriend that he loves <3 He still runs almost daily because it helps clear his mind but he rarely takes the medication. Just wanted to share because things can seem very scary when you're in the thick of it!
I love this! I’ve spent many a moment thinking ahead to all the ways that his various behaviors will be wonderful assets as an adult… so fun to hear your perspective! xx
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks, Kim!
Thanks so much for sharing. We have 12-yr-old and have gone through very similar experiences, with the addition of migraines to complicate life further. The meds and therapy have helped enormously, but every day is a new challenge. It really helps to hear that other families are working through the same issues.
Oh man… migraines at that age? That’s hard! Glad you’ve made progress! xx
Our experiences are very similar. For us it was our 2nd grade daughter but shes struggled since The beginning. We landed on medication as well after consulting our team of doctor + teachers + play therapist + our daughter and As soon as she started her medicine she immediateLy jumped two reading levels and we knew we had made the right Choice. Thank you for sharing and challenging stigma.
That’s amazing! Thanks for sharing your wonderful achievement!
Thank you so much for writing this post. It’s important to normalize ADHD and to help others understand it’s a neurological condition and not a parenting condition, nor is it related to intelligence.
My 13 year old daughter was finally diagnosed last year with ADHD – Inattentiveness Type. For years I wondered if it was a possibility, and every year her teachers told me “no, she does too well in school to have it. She just needs to focus more.” I’ve come to learn how little many teachers, who we usually turn to for guidance on this, know about it especially with girls who are drastically under-diagnosed since it tends manifests differently than with boys.
When she was diagnosed she shared her immense relief at knowing what was “wrong,” she thought she was going crazy and was a failure because all the things we were doing that were supposed to help (mindfulness, meditation, healthy diet) weren’t helping. Medication has brought her so much relief. Now that we’re doing school from home and there’s less stimulation, plus she’s gotten more familiar with how her brain works, she hasn’t needed her ADHD med as much. She also takes an anti-depressant which, combined with therapy, has help stop self-destructive behavior that she turned to as an outlet for her pain and to a way to exert some control. Having a 504 plan at school has also really helped, especially a reduced work load for math, extra time to turn in homework, and in some classes she’s given class notes in case she wasn’t able to keep up with note taking.
I really recommend checking out https://www.additudemag.com/, it’s been so helpful in parenting a child with ADHD and helping me with my feelings of guilt and frustration, and to not feel alone in my struggles.
Thanks so much for sharing this! And I agree… looks very different in girls. Our biggest hurdle was that Oliver is an exemplary student so no one considered him a ‘candidate’ for ADHD… we were always worried that he it would catch up with him one day so we’re grateful to be on a better track before we had to learn the hard way! 🙂
I’m clearly echoing the group when I say, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING THIS! I personally appreciate you being open about this, because as you said the stigma of mental health is mighty and often being identified as the “class clown” or “problem child” will have lasting effects on children, we can’t even begin to understand or study. So thank you for being open about this.
I AM CURRENTLY IN A SITUATION WHERE MY BONUS SON DESPERATELY NEEDS THESE types of testing and SERVICES, BUT AS THE “STEPMOM” MY OPINION IS NOT welcome, DESPITE HAVING SPENT A GOOD DEAL OF MY EDUCATION STUDYING CHILD DEVELOPMENT AND CBT, BUT WHAT DO I KNOW, RIGHT?
Oh boy… that’s hard. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink, huh! Good luck to you! Share this post with your husband! 🙂
BEAUTIFULLY writteN and relat for so many of us. We have 2 sons with ADD. The boys are now 31 and 34 and SUCCESSFULLY NAVIGATING life. Oliver will do great with the support he has.
Yay! So great for all of you! Thanks!
Thank you so much for sharing this! my daughter struggles with emotion regulation and impulsivity (never considered ADHD, but now thinking about it). its been so hard for our whole family to deal with her outbursts. she is especially mean to her sister and i have shed so many tears trying to find ways to help her. We started therapy and i am hopeful it will help, but time will tell. Being a parent can be so rewarding and also so so challenging. I have felt so alone, like we are the only family struggling with this. hearing stories like yours make me feel less alone. thank you <3
That’s what was hardest for me too… the effects of all these outbursts and behaviors on the rest of the family! Therapy is a challenge for smaller kids but an important skill! GOod luck!!
Thank yoU SO MUCH FOR SHARING THIS. wE RECENTLY HAD OUR SON TESTED FOR ANXIETY AND adhd. hE PASSED THE WRITTEN ADHD TEST WITH FLYING COLORS AND HIS TEACHER’S EVALUATION CAME BACK THAT HE WAS A HIGH ACHIEVING COOPERATIVE CHILD SO MY SON’S PSYCHOLOGIST HAS NOT (YET) DIAGNOSED HIM AS adhd. tHAT BEING SAD, HE HAS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT YOU MENTION AND THAT ARE HALLMARK TO aDHD. HIS PSYCHOLOGIST HAS NOT COMPLETELY RULED IT OUT, AND HAS ACKNOWLEDGED THAT BASED ON HIS IQ HE COULD STILL HAVE ADHD AND IT JUST HAS NOT YET STARTED TO AFFECT HIS ABILITY TO PERFORM ACADEMICALLY. hE WILL BE GOING INTO SECOND GRADE IN THE FALL SO READING YOUR SON’S STORY GIVES ME HOPE THAT HAVING MY SON IN THERAPY AND TREATING ANXIETY FOR NOW WILL AT LEAST ALLOW US TO CONTINUE TO TRACK HIS ISSUES IN CASE THEY DO INDEED LEAD TO A DIAGNOSIS AND EVENTUAL NEED FOR MEDICATION. TRUTH BE TOLD, I THINK HE WOULD BENEFIT FROM MEDICINE NOW AS HE HAS MAJOR ISSUES WITH SLEEP AND MOST OF HIS ANXIETY STEMS AROUND FALLING ASLEEP. HE SAYS WHEN HE TRIES TO SIT STILL OR FALL ASLEEP HE FEELS LIKE BUGS ARE CRAWLING ON HIM AND WHEN HE TRIES TO FOCUS ON A TASK WE’VE GIVEN HIM (THAT HE DOESN’T LIKE) HIS BODY TELLS HIM NOT TO DO IT AND TO PLAY INSTEAD. BUT FOR NOW WE WILL CONTINUE TO MONITOR AND UTILIZE THERAPY TO HELP HIM WITH HIS ANXIOUS AND OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS. ALL THAT TO SAY, IT IS SO REASSURING TO HEAR OTHER STORIES THAT ARE SIMILAR AND KNOW WE’RE NOT ALONE. i SUFFER FROM aNXIETY AND ALSO HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY OF DEPRESSION, ocd AND aDDICTION SO I KNOW I AM HYPER AWARE OF MY CHILDREN OUT OF FEAR OF SEEING ANY OF THESE ILLNESSES DEVELOP IN THEM.
So many similarities! We had the same issues with high academic performance making it harder to diagnose and the anxiety/ perseveration around sleep and, for us, preoccupation with throwing up. Once his brain starts spinning it’s hard to snap him out of it! Good luck!
Ironically, I have a fear of throwing up and was having major obsessive thoUghts and anxiety about my kids waking up sick, i started therapy and effexor and its been so much better. My son hates getting sick but so far doesnt seem to have the same preoccupation with it that I do. HIs issue is nightmares and night terrors and the Fear of not sleeping (he thinks he Never sleeps but Really its just not good sleep).
So wonderfully written! I loved reading your honest and open Lived experience of Supporting a chIld with ADHD. Although im not a Mum of a child with ADHD, i am an occupational Therapist who has worked with many children with ADHD (and a nePhew with ADHD), youR insight and level headed approach to managing and caring for a child with these struggles is wonderful to read. Im under no illusion this has been an easy journey for you, OliVer or your family but how lucky is Oliver to have sUch an amazing support Network around him! You’re one of my favourite people to follow on IG, thank you 🙂 Pip
Thank you for this Pip! So appreciated! xx
Thank you for sharing this. I was diagnosed with ADD as an adult at 30. Like Oliver I performed well above my grade level all through high school. I held down jobs, I was successful in college, i began a career. But – I adapted to do that. I was somewhat the “class clown” to stay engaged (wow that line resonated with me!) in school. I learned that if I played Tetris on my laptop during lectures I retained 95% more information (or took copious notes I’d never look back at). In my career I excelled at “putting out fires” which was really just my lack of focus – if something new popped up I’d take care of it right away because I couldn’t not, ya know? I was finally diagnosed because I moved to a new role and was struggling with staying on track with longer-term projects. Anyway, hope this helps people understand that ADD doesn’t look the same for everyone. And I hope the meds help Oliver figure out how to be himself!
What a great story! As an adult there are times when I too wonder if I’ve got a taste of it given my ability (and preference) to have so many balls in the air! 🙂 SO interesting about Tetris and taking the notes. I was the same! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing olivErs story. We’ve just started down the adhd road with my 5yr old DAUGHTER in the last few months. For us, macy, was struggling in school and her tEachers bought it up. Its hard to see her struggling and not able to keep up wIth her peers academically. For us her adhd Is more the distraction, short term meMory issues and HYPERACTIVITY. I can only
Hope we find the right path like you have.
Good luck! As they get older, our worry was that they would start to internalize some of these struggles so we’re delighted to have a little more information around it all!
One youngest has add and it was killing the while family. Mostly afterschool homework. We decided to try meds so that our home wasnt a minefield. It helped her but it also helped all of us to enjoy her aGain. Which is just as important as focus. Kids want to be enjoyeD and have friends.
YES! That was a big motivator for us. Is tarted to feel awful for the other 4 kids since so much time and attention was spent trying to diffuse the Oliver bomb. 🙂
Thank you for sharing oliver’s story. My 5yo’s adhd manifests in exactly the same way as oliver’s. The outbUrSts, impulSivity and emotional regulaTion issuss were killing us, Especially home in spring And summer, working with no childcare. We started him on adhd meds and it has been a world of differEnce. My husband and i also go to counse To help us with tactics to cope and deal with outbursts That still happen.
It’s funny. When i thOught Of adhd before my Son’s Experience, i thOught of Being disorganized, having a hard time concentrating And needing to move a lot. I had no idea of the emotional component. It HaS been a learning experience for all of us.
That’s exactly how I envisioned it too! I had no idea of the emotional roller coaster! Good luck!
Thank you For sharing this personal side of your lIfe. I love what you say about taking the stigma aWay from adhd. Your son is so lucky to have you as his advocate and i am Thrilled your family has found SomethIng tO make life a little better for everyone!
Thank you for this! It’s all a work in progress but we’re getting there!
Both of ouR GRANDCHILDREN HAVE aDHD AND MEDS WORKED WONDERS FOR OUR GRANDSON. gRANDDAUGHTER IS STILL STRUGGLING MANAGING HER EMOTIONS BUT WE’RE HOPEFUL.
Yes! Meds were a game changer for us! The feelings are hard. Good luck!
thanks you for telling here, it fills my heart with joy to hear that.
You’re very welcome!